I’m starting to see it again. For a while, it was broken, like the black screen of my phone that won’t take pictures of our life when it’s like this. You were cold and impermeable, like the You that only appears in my nightmares; the ones from which I wake sobbing. 

It won’t be easy. I’ve been in bed with a migraine from our first session. But it’ll be worth it.

There was a scratch on the disc, and no amount of elbow grease could buff it out. So we have to find a new song.
This post is part of the weekly Five Minute Friday link-up.





When I first learned that’s how you died I was just a girl and though that to put my head in the oven meant I’d literally cook my head. Not me, one. Of course not me.

If I crawled into the space underground would the rats nibble my toes first or crawl into my yawning mouth? Would they wait until I’m gone and only my shell is left? Ones, not my. Of course not my.

You came back from the damp underneath, only to end up here. Does one always have to go back around? Circling into domesticity and flames.

Not flames. Nothing quite so brash. Quietly wisp away.

I’m sorry for my jealous pen. I wanted to be you but I was too unrefined, and now always too old.



Fly on the Wall

Blogging 101, Day Eleven: Make a Prompt Personal

Today’s assignment: publish a post based on your own, personalized take on a blogging prompt.

If you could be a “fly on the wall” anywhere and at any time in history, where and when would you choose?

It’d be interesting to be a fly on the wall anywhere that Jesus taught. I’d like to hear what his actual words were, not somebody’s translation of another somebody’s interpretation of what Jesus said. I want to know how much Paul just threw in to add his own flavour, as his words have caused more harm and sadness in this world than any other person in history. I can’t blame him one bit. If I were writing gospels now, I would certainly be tempted to add such things as “and it is an abomination to lie on an aeroplane seat as you lie on a bed, for it crushes the knees of the poor chap sitting behind you” and “thou shalt not listen to loud music on cheap headphones so that everyone else can hear its tinny residue”. You know, important stuff, in the hope that it’d stick. I’m being irreverent by referring to it as a flavour. It has more of a “let Daily Mail readers come up with laws” feel to it. Crikey. That’s gone and done it. I’ve referred to St Paul as a Daily Mail reader.

In all honesty, my Bible knowledge could do with some polishing. I had the obligatory Church of England school religious education, and I began to read the NRSV while baby one was a newborn, as something to do while up at some horrendous hour being milked like a fine prize cow. I didn’t retain as much as I’d have liked – I didn’t retain much of anything around that time except baby weight – and I remember getting absolutely stuck on the Book of Job. The translation had a few too many double negatives and some phrases that felt like sarcasm in my hormone-addled state. I came away wondering what on earth the message was supposed to be. I wouldn’t like to be a fly on the wall in Job’s experiences. They sound truly abysmal.

I’d be a horrendous fly on the wall. I’d also be horrendous at Just A Minute, failing for certain for repetition and also probably not being particularly funny. I couldn’t be a bystander to great events – I’d want to dig and prod and find out more than what was going on at the surface. Politicians and statesmen fascinate me – probably more than ever as the result of watching both the new and old series of House of Cards. They have to fulfil this public need for someone calm and in-control, and they (mostly) do it so unbelievably well. I just want to see what’s underneath. Every so often we get a glimpse – Gordon Brown’s wonderful “bigot” remark, or John Prescott punching a protester – but I want more. I want to know the driving force behind their careers and their decisions; how much they truly believe in the individual policies they have to promote in order to achieve their larger goals.

The actual situations in which it would be worthwhile to be such a fly are extremely limited, because the concept seems to rely entirely on the confirmation of facts. Was Queen Elizabeth I really the Virgin Queen? What happened to the ships and planes lost in the Bermuda Triangle? Who was Jack the Ripper? Of course, to have been present at any of these events would present further issues – the very reason for their mysterious nature is the danger or discomfort one would have to experience in order to witness them.

In conclusion, I don’t think I’d like to be a fly on the wall at all. I’m much more of a participator than a watcher.


Blogging 101, Day One: Introduce Yourself to the World

Hi, everyone. I’m Becca.

I am blogging for two reasons – to learn to write better, and to connect with people. I am absolutely horrendous at small talk, but a huge fan of big talk. My dearest friends are those who don’t baulk at my weirdness and are happy to muse and share and think and learn without fear of looking stupid.

My “weirdness” has been diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder, after a 30-minute assessment with an NHS psychiatrist, but that has been pooh-poohed by every therapist/doctor I have met with since. Still, some elements certainly apply – seeing disgust and anger in people’s faces that may or may not actually be there; unrequited girl-crushes; taking generalised negative statements very personally; attempting to apply labels to myself to fit in somewhere, anywhere. The larger symptoms, however, of impulsive and self-destructive behaviour are moving further and further behind me with huge thanks to my incredible family, therapy, sertraline and mindfulness.

I am utterly blessed to have the actual best husband in the world. His positive qualities would require a weightier tome than this blog post to list, so I won’t even try here.

I have two two-legged boys, one four-legged girl and one to-be-confirmed, due at the end of April. I’m somewhere between attachment and free-range as a parent, but my ultimate goal is to raise kind, contented, useful human beings who voluntarily visit their old mum every once in a while.

I work part-time as an accountant, and I love it. Don’t worry, though. I won’t talk about it unless it’s really, really necessary. The confidentiality requirements of our profession are there for the protection not just of clients, but anyone who might otherwise be subjected to such drab conversation.

I am a Disney fanatic, and that’s something I like to talk about a lot. I am socially very liberal, and a big believer in taxation and public spending, when carefully considered.

Every click to publish is filled with anxiety. While I’m not afraid of looking daft, I will agonise over what people might think, before taking a deep breath and just going for it. I hope I’ve represented myself truly. Who knows, maybe I might learn something in the process?


Blogging 101, Day Four: Identify Your Audience – On being socially awkward

Today’s assignment is to publish a post you’d like your ideal audience member to read, and include a new-to-you element in it.

Crikey. That’s kind of tough. I don’t exactly have an ideal audience member, and that’s something that’s coming up a lot in the many, many articles and books that I’m reading about writing.

On being socially awkward

People! It’s exciting to meet new people. They have different stories to tell and perspectives to bring, and an abstract concept always becomes more relatable when someone explains it from their own experience.

But people are polite. They don’t talk about themselves unless prompted. Don’t think, however, that it’s okay to ask them about themselves, because it isn’t. An immensely common blog topic seems to be “stuff you shouldn’t ask me, you fucking douchebag”. This is especially confusing when the no-go topics include stuff referred to in the blog’s URL. It’s almost like those Herbalife reps who wear a badge saying “ask me how!” and then shooting you daggers for, you know, asking them how.

Of course, I started off asking horribly inappropriate questions. As someone of unspeakably uninteresting ethnicity, I went through a few years of asking people about theirs. Do you know if your more recent ancestors are African or Afro-Caribbean? Do you feel a mix of cultures within your identity? I know that’s wrong now, and I don’t do it unless I’m appallingly drunk, which would be even more gauche right now than well-meant racism, because I’m 7 months pregnant.

I also managed to offend a girl by asking her what she thought of The L Word. A mutual friend had introduced her to me as “my lesbian friend, Jess”, and any attempts to ask her about her job were shut down fairly quickly, so I’d been at a bit of a loss for conversation. She informed our mutual friend that I was “obsessed with lesbians”.

“What kind of music are you into?” sounds like a date going badly.

“Where are you off to on your holidays?” has too many socio-economical implications and has been done to death by your hairstylist.

Questions about family status are another can of worms. Appearing to have a heteronormative agenda, or inadvertently picking at the fresh scars of loneliness, infertility and domestic strife are all risks best avoided.

I tried a new approach; something along the lines of “I’ll show you mine; then hopefully you’ll show me yours”. That wasn’t much more successful, and the description sounds a lot like some kind of emotional flasher. Oversharing doesn’t always encourage others to open up. In fact, it often seems to make people feel uncomfortable. I didn’t realise quite how much until I read a Modern Mrs Darcy post describing that horribly awkward feeling that washes over you when someone overshares and began to ruminate extensively over how many people I’d made to feel that way. It’s truly a wonder that NICE still recommends group therapy.

I have, therefore, left a trail of not-so-broken hearts in my wake when I’ve realised that the intimacy was not reciprocated. A feeling of foolishness combined with an inability to unsay and undo means that I’ve blocked all contact from plenty of lovely people I’ve been lucky to know because I simply didn’t know how to get back on an even keel.

A lot of my social awkwardness comes down to compulsion, and it’s not until several hours later that I start kicking myself for what I forgot to hold back in the heat of the social moment. My wonderful creative writing teacher, Hilda Sheehan, mentioned in class once that her writing has helped stem her blurting, and I hope that might work for me.

Lovely readers, I will be putting this out to you, if I have identified you correctly. Do you consider yourself to be socially awkward? How do you react (internally and out-loud) when someone overshares? What are your most appropriate conversation starters? And if my oversharing has made you feel awkward, then just pretend that you haven’t heard me and we can rekindle our acquaintanceship with no harm done.


Blogging 101, Day Three: Say Hello to the Neighbo(u)rs

Day three’s assignment is to follow five new topics and five new blogs in WordPress Reader. The topics were straightforward enough – what do I want to read about at the moment? While I might be obsessed with finding new books to read at the moment, I am struggling with the temptation to step outside my Kindle Unlimited and Audible subscriptions, so I avoided fiction as a topic to follow… It’s just too much!

I picked Disney, Fashion, Parenting, Labrador and Wiltshire.

Disney, because I love so many things about the brand – even though it’s far from perfect. I love its origins out of the depression era, led by an art geek and a business geek. Geekery is contagious. I love the volume of material to explore and discuss with my babies. I love that they can find familiar, positive images all around them, even in a world that can be quite harsh. I love the memories of our trips to the theme parks. I love to snuggle up in front of a film, and sing child-friendly songs of outstanding quality in the car. I love to wear underwear with cartoon characters on it.

Fashion is a tricky one. I’m very pregnant right now, which takes me out of the running somewhat, but even when my usual size, I’m awkwardly in the world between standard and plus-size. This means that it’s hard to find clothes that are designed for my size and shape – standard clothes are designed for firm, rakish figures, while plus-size clothes are just too big. So I look, and I try to absorb information, and decide how I can make it work for me. Maybe I exist in a niche worth exploring – the mid-size mother.

Parenting. Well, duh. I have two sweet boys, and an alleged girl on the way. I am interested in hearing different perspectives, and coming up with ways to tire them out more than myself. For a long time, I found a number of parenting blogs to be triggers for negative thought patterns because I simply don’t belong to any particular camp, and parenting blogs sure like to form camps. I’m partly attachment-y, somewhat free range, home-ed-curious with a small dash of tiger. Learning about x while being subjected to a huge bashing for y can be unpleasant, but I’m developing rhino hide, and accepting that being a bit lazy is definitely an acceptable reason not to hand-crochet all my children’s clothing from foraged alpaca wool.

Labrador. As Ron Swanson says, “any dog under 50 pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.” I’ll make a few exceptions on the pointlessness front, but Meg is my perfect dog, even if she is trying to sleep on top of me these days.

Wiltshire. Attempting to follow blogs about Marlborough will take you to Massachusetts, which is lovely but rather impractical when you’ve got to be back to pick the kids up at 3.

Now, for blog follows – the last five posters on The Commons should do the trick. Looking forward to reading: